C’ap’n Crunch & Baby Boomers (No Childhod Memories, Only Flashbacks!)


tom-5.jpg HELLO GENTLE READER,

The unthinkable! C’ap’n Crunch is almost as old as me! He, like I, has switched to whole grain. C’ap’n Crunch? Whole grain? Come on now! Whole grain? Whole grain in C’ap’n Crunch is like adding vitamins to Marlboro cigarettes. It’s unholy!

In my youth I fervently worshipped at the altar of high sugar, high fructose, monosodium glutinate and yellow dye #4. C’ap’n Crunch is not supposed to have any redeeming value. Who is running the show at General Mills? Who’s idea was this? I just know Martha Sewart is involved somehow! Come on guys; C’ap’n Crunch was originally designed to be milk covered “candy-in-a-bowl”. Are we not desecrating the memory of a Sixties Icon? Whole grain? It ain’t right! How will our 8-year olds get their RDA of “junk food” if this trend continues? How will they muster the energy to torment their teachers on a diet of whole grain? Who is going to support Merk, Upjohn and Pfizer in the coming decades? What will become of Lipitor? Is it doomed to become a drug of the past like Quualudes? Sugar Pops are now Corn Pops! Corn? In the name of a children’s cereal? Whole grain Pop Tarts? Unbelievable! The only things left in these products from my childhood are the preservatives. They still have a shelf-life as long as Chernobyl’s half-life. Maybe I can still find some of the “good-‘ole-stuff” at the Dollar Tree. They still sell buggy whips (for a dollar, of course).

I haven’t been the same since Captain Kangaroo died. Sorry, gotta’ go. Time for my Lipitor. tom vickers

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