LaVerna and I were on our way from the idyllic town of Nettie, WV to the less than idyllic town of Spencer, WV for a middle-school track meet when we called On*Star. Ok, ok, we knew the way to Spencer, but not to the school. Rinnnggg, Rinnnggg…”On*Star, how may I help you?”, said the nice young lady. “Yes Ma’am, we need directions to Roane County High School in Spencer, WV,” answered LaVerna. “Ok, let’s see. Hmmmm, I’m not showing a listing for that location. I can maybe get you close to Spencer,” said the nice On*Star lady with a Tidewater accent. “Well, we know how to get to Spencer, but not the school,” said LaVerna. “Ok, I’ll look it up on the internet and download it to your car,” Tidewater cheerfully informed us. “Thank you,” we said in perfect two-part harmony. “You should have your directions in about two minutes,” promised Tidewater.

True to her word we started getting directions a couple of minutes later. Sooo, off we go, getting the turn right in 7.4 miles, turn left in 15.67452 miles and so on in a nice Midwestern twang. Cool, huh? Well, not so fast gentle readers. We got to the town of Spencer, after being out of signal a time or two. Then, Midwestern On*Star said, “YOU ARE AT YOUR DESTINATION!”

We were in the middle of a bridge! Not a school-zone sign in sight!!

Being good Americans, we did the smart thing–started looking for the “Golden Tits” of America (MacDonald’s). Ah, there it was! We were walking toward the counter when we heard a familar voice, “LaVerna, LaVerna, over here!” It was an old friend of ours. After greetings, he finished giving us directions.

How in the name of hell did On*Star know Bob would be at MacDonald’s. Damn, they’re good!!!

Tom Vickers and LaVerna Huey