Al Qaida-Taliban Biscuits. Oh No! Not Again…


HELLO GENTLE READERS,

First I want to assure our almost 1.4 million fans that we are safe. As many of you know, I had an incident with exploding, perhaps weaponized, bread dough a few years ago. The uniformed can read this in the harrowing post, Amish Al Qaida Bread (thomasvickers.wordpress.com). Needless to say, the CIA now follows this weblog.

Just when the treatment for Carbohydrophobia seems to be working, a new, and frightening incident with dough has occurred. Exploding biscuits, no less!! Biscuits! Those great American belly-busters. Now when a Hillbilly’s biscuit turns on him, it’s time to take stock of all we hold sacred!

This true story actually started on June 30th of this year. That was the day after the “Great Wind of 2012”, the Derecho. The storm blew down trees on our disabled neighbor’s fence and John-John and I went over to fix it. Now lest you think we are such nice guys, I must admit that it was enlightened self-interest. We’ve chased their cows back home once before (see the post, Head ‘Em Up-Move ‘Em out). In return for our efforts, they offered us money. We, of course declined, but when they offered us fresh bacon and sausage, manners dictated that we accept. This came from, lamentably, Florence, their late pig. I always liked Florence, but she was a delicious swine. Perhaps Levi, their intrepid turkey (who delights in terrifying our horses), will meet an untimely end after the next windstorm.

Anyway, I digress. We decided yesterday to have Sausage Gravy A-La Florence with Kroger canned buttermilk biscuits. Yes, I know Florence deserved “scratch” biscuits, but what’re ya’ gonna’ do? OK, OK, it was late! When taking the demon biscuits out of the fridge I felt a humming vibration, heard a sonic boom and witnessed the ejaculation of dough all over the kitchen floor. It was UGLY. And SCARY! Marshalling my courage, I went to get a second can out of the fridge. Now I’ve have ¬†experienced something similar at the Kroger Dairy Case before. I had the frightening experience of seeing three cans of cinnamon rolls explode in sequence in my wobbly-wheeled grocery cart.

¬†Coincidence? I think NOT! This is a vast Al-Qaida-Taliban conspiracy. As the terrorists say, “You have the clocks-we have the time”! Beware Gentle Readers! It’s only a matter of time before this conspiracy hits the “Breadbasket” of America. Or, at least the the Dairy Case. They say that “bread and circuses” caused the downfall of the Roman Empire. At least their bread didn’t explode!

I have included a picture of Poppin’ Fresh here. As far as I know, he is not involved in this conspiracy. But, perhaps he is and is just keeping his “baking” powder dry.

Tom and LaVerna Vickers

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