Amish-Al Qaida Bread


I live in rural West Virginia. Actually, you drive to “Rural”, turn left, go to the “End of the World”, park your car and walk the rest of the way in (directions courtesy of MapQuest). I moved back to my home state after many years of living elsewhere and had forgotten how nice folks here are. Take my neighbors for example-I had barely moved in before they asked me over for supper. I agreed and we set a date. I arrived to one of the best meals I’ve had the pleasure to eat. All manner of home-cooked delictables were served along with some heavenly Amish Bread (no buttons, please). I bestowed my most lavish compliment on the meal and really bragged on the bread. Nothing would do them but to promise me some “starter dough”.
In a few days, Joe, brought in two bags of dough. One for me and one for my daughter, who lives a couple of miles away. Included was a set of instructions that rivaled War and Peace in length and
exceeded a Mars Rover’s complexity. You must let this dought ferment for about a decade. I have to confess at this point that I have a genetic defect; the please read instructions gene is missing. It is a common defect in the males in my family. The very first line in the instructions was Mush Dough Daily. When I got up the next morning, I dutifully went to mush the dought. I noticed that the baggie had increased in size by a factor of about 187 times-big sucker, it was! When I pressed on the bag I heard a SONIC BOOOOM!!! Dough shot out of that baggie at the speed of light. The second line of the instructions was Open Bag To Release Excess Air Before Mushing. DAMN!! I had dough all over me. In my hair, eyebrows, on my glasses, my clothes. My poor moustache looked like a landfill rat. I looked like the Pillsbury Doughboy (sorry to report that he died of a “yeast” infection but, it is rumored that he will “rise” again).

Fearing for my immediate safety, I quickly released the “excess” air from the other bag of toxic carbohydrate, cleaned up and drove it to my daughter’s house. I did a quick sketch of a skull and crossbones, taped it to the bag, hung it on her doorknob and retreated to a safe distance. When my daughter came home from work, a dough-covered door was there to greet her. The third line of the instructions read DO NOT REFRIGERATE. It was about thirty degrees that day. DOUBLE DAMN!!!
I have come to the conclusion that this Amish-Al Qaida Bread is a vast Anti-American conspiracy. This stuff is weaponized!! I have alerted Homeland Security.
I am currently seeking therapy to overcome my Carbohydrophobia.

Tom & LaVerna Vickers