McDonalds New Top Secret Ad Campaign–Eat At McFelons…


HELLO GENTLE READERS,

I reckon by now, everyone has seen the recently released video of a drunk woman attacking a drive-thru teller at McDonalds.  The media is presenting this as a “top story” when in fact it is really the burger chain’s pre-promotion on their new and improved menu items.

There is actually a series of three new ads about to come out this Fall.

The first we have already seen part of.  The advertisement goes something like this:

SCENE-(There is a lovely sunrise in the distance shining over the golden arches.  Soft, yet upbeat music begins to play.)

A drunk, crazy woman drives up to the drive-thru window.  She has requested Chicken McNuggets in the early morning hours and doesn’t get them.  She then goes crazy and attacks the drive-thru tellers.  As she throws a whiskey bottle through the drive-thru window a slogan comes on the screen-

“INTRODUCING Our Latest Menu Improvement-McPharmaceutical Juices In Three Delightful Flavors.

McProzac-With A Splash Of Lemon Balm

McLibrium-With A Hint Of Passion Fruit

McThorazine-In A Base Of Freshly Squeezed Oranges

This then goes on to the old familiar, “You deserve a break today, so come on in and get away, at McDonalds.”

The second advertisement was tried out in a small market test last December in and around Tampa Florida.  Since McDonalds has recently done market studies showing that there is a fortune to be made with the elderly, especially marketing McPharmaceuticals, they are attempting to reach a new demographic.

Here is the second in the series of new advertisements:

(Please note, Betty White was unavailable, so McDonalds’ advertising and research company went out and discovered a brilliant new talent, Jean Merola-remember the 75 year old arrested in Clearwater, FL in January?)

SCENE-(A bright sun shines over the golden arches surrounded by palm trees.  Lawrence Welk is singing in the background, “Start The Day Right”)

A sweet little old lady is at the McDonalds drive-thru window ordering decaf coffee and fries with no salt.  The teller asks her to pull forward and wait for her order.  Then a police officer asks her to move her car.  When she refuses, the officer puts the woman under arrest.  The old lady gets out of her car and an argument ensues where she tells the officer she is going to tell his wife and children how icky he’s being, bleeping out a few expletives.  As the policeman is handcuffing the woman a slogan comes on the screen-

INTRODUCING Our Latest Menu Improvement- McPharmaceutical Seasonings  In Three Fantastic Varieties.

McXanax-A Low-Sodium Salt Substitute

McValium-A Tasty New Pepper Enhancer

McPhenobarbital Ketchup-With Low Sodium AND Reduced Acid

This, again, is followed by, “You Deserve A Break Today, So Come On In And Get Away, At McDonalds.”

The third advertisement was tried out in a test market in and around Hamilton, Ohio  targeting mothers with young children.  It goes something like this:

SCENE-(It’s a lovely evening and the full moon shines over the golden arches.  “Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds” plays in the background)

A mother sits in her car, sound asleep.  There are two young daughters in the back seat arguing over who gets first choice of Happy Meal prizes.  A police officer comes saunters up to the car and looks inside.  There is a (marijuana) doobie in the ashtray and  pill bottles lying on the seat.  The camera pans to the Valium and Vicodin bottles.  As the policeman wakes up the harried housewife, a slogan comes on the screen-

INTRODUCING Our Latest Menu Improvement-Three Amazing New McPharmaceutical  Milkshake Flavors, Guaranteed To Keep You Going When The Going Gets Tough.

McRitalin Raspberry

McAdderall Apricot

McBenzedrine Blueberry

And, again, the  themesong, “You Deserve A Break Today……”

The joining of these two great establishments, Pharmaceutical and Fast Food Companies, is being considered a huge boon to the economy.  And this new marketing ploy has already proven to be hugely successful in the test runs, posing as news stories, as the views have been in the millions.

Cudos to McDonalds and the pharmaceutical industry for bringing about what may prove to be one of the greatest advertising campaigns of all times.

Also, rumor has it, that if this campaign is successful, there will be an even greater campaign next spring.  The McPharmaceutical menu improvements planned are  as follows:

McMarijuana Brownie Blizzards

McBlackBeautyBerry Pies

and

(THE ONE AND ONLY)

McMeth Double Angus Burger

Well, with all these upscale menu improvements, I reckon McDonalds won’t ever be quite the same, you know, with McMeth Burgers and all …

Alas, poor Ronald, I knew him well.

LaVerna and Tom Vickers

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