1492–A New History…



“But, sweetheart, there’s a whole New World out there“, exclaimed the queen! “So you say, Izzy. Well, you and that ne’r-do-well Cristobal Colon“, the king answered. “Ferdie, he’s onto to something. I just feel it“, she pleaded. “Listen darlin’, we’re tapped-out paying for that war with those damned Moors and you’ve maxxed-out our Visa by buying that frickin’ tiara“, he explained. “Ferdie, I’ll make it worth your while tonight“, she teased. “Ok, Ok. Send the son-of -a-bitch in. You will wear that Arabian Night costume I like, won’t you“, he asked? “Baby, tonight I’m your slut“, she promised.

So, as history records, Columbus gained the support of Spain’s Court.

“Cristobal, get off your knees, man“, the king ordered! “Yes, Sire“, he complied. “So, what’s this little excursion goin’ cost me“, asked the king? “Your Majesty, I’ve spoken to the Sailor’s Guild and, for three percent of any gold, jewels, spices or any other treasures, they will sail for minimum wage. I’ll need three ships, fully provisioned and I’m, uh, uh, asking for forty-seven percent of any booty for myself“, he answered. “So, that leaves just fifty percent for the Crown“, the king grumbled. “Sire, it is known that a trade route to the east will bring untold wealth to the nation. Your Majesty, I had a dream and, in this dream I saw two Golden Arches. People were lined up buying strange food. Money was changing hands at an amazing rate. There was writing on the arches. It was written in Anglish. It said ‘Billions Served’. If true, Spain must have its share. Besides, we will gain great favor with the Pope by converting all of those eastern heathens“, Columbus pleaded. “How is it that you will reach Asia by sailing west? Sounds as dumb as a footprint to me“, Ferdinand offered? “Sire, the world is round. There is no east or west“, he explained. “Ok. I don’t have a good feeling about this but, let it be written“, the king relented.

“Uh, there are a coupla’ more things, your highness“, Columbus meekly said. “What? What now? Be quick, man! The queen and I have other fish to fry“, the king impatiently implored! “Well, it’s the EPA and Interior Department. They want an Environmental Impact Statement and a study on possible effects on any Indigenous Peoples in any new lands“, Columbus reported. “Damn! Those little bastards will be the death of me“, the king exploded! “I had to deal with those little twerps regarding environmental clean-up after our war with the Moors. Imagine, telling me, the king, that I had to bury the dead bodies of those heathens after each battle. Causes diseases to leave the son-of-a-bitches to the carrion birds, they said. Puh-lease“, the king complained! “You just let me handle this. Indigenous peoples, indeed“, said the king.

In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue….

Tom & LaVerna Vickers